I love Today’s Parent. I don’t always agree with everything in it, but it’s always a good read, and gosh-dang-it, y’all know I’m a sucker for any kind of child development material!
The topic of this month’s “Debate” column is “Should you use a leash to control your toddler?” and I felt it missed the mark. I was frankly offended by Nadine Silverthorne’s assertion that “parents who use leashes look lazy,” and although Amy Morrison’s “Yes” column made a great case for leashes, I was saddened by the caveat that she never actually used one herself due to fear of judgement – a fear that was clearly justified!
Since Today’s Parent hasn’t been able to find anyone willing to admit to actually using a toddler leash, I feel compelled (anyone surprised by that?) to add my own two cents!
Although I use the term “toddler leash” facetiously among friends, it is not at all the same as an animal leash. There is no “obedience training” involved and it is not a punitive device used to jerk back a disobedient pet to ensure compliance born out of fear of a repeat performance. A toddler “leash” or harness is a safety device that allows your child the freedom of walking a few steps away from you while giving you the means to respond effectively to any unexpected danger.
Toddlers value independence above all else. The “Terrible Twos” exist because it is around that age that children first learn to do for themselves, at their own pace, and heaven help the parent who says, “Just let me do it for you!” Is it really fair to strap your fearless little explorer into a 5-point stroller harness just because he or she is too dazzled by the wonderful world around him or her to stop dead every time you shout, “Freeze!”?
Going back to the statement that toddler leash-toting parents “look lazy,” I asked my own mother, who, as a full-time doctor and mother of 3 in the 1980’s is the least lazy person I know (Case in point: She recently returned to work on crutches 9 days after breaking her hip in a skiing accident), what she thinks of parents who use toddler leashes. She responded dryly, “Karyn, if I hadn’t used a toddler leash, your brother Chris wouldn’t be around today.”
When Ben was a toddler, I kept his lightweight harness in my diaper bag, ready to throw on him any time the situation warranted. If I was going to be wandering the Eaton’s Centre or downtown Toronto, or taking a trip to a train station or waterfront with a 2 year-old, you bet your bippy I’d have that leash at the ready!
It was the best option for both of us – Ben was free to explore without being stuck in the stroller or having his hand held (just take a minute to imagine how uncomfortable it must be to have someone much taller than you holding your hand up above your head until it falls asleep, gripping it hard enough that you can’t pull away) and I had the security of knowing that I could stop him if he suddenly bolted towards a hazard.
There are certain situations in which even the most anti-leash parent would be unlikely to argue that a safety harness isn’t a good idea:
(For the record, the harness Ben is wearing in the preceding photograph is actually an adult boating harness intended for sailboat racing – safety devices ain’t just for toddlers, y’know.)
And how about in the case of special needs children? If you don’t think that’s appropriate, take a minute to walk a mile in some other parents’ shoes by reading the testimonials on this website from users of special needs child-to-adult harnesses. Or take it straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak:
I’ve got the best harness in the world. When I first got it I didn’t like wearing it, but now I love my harness. I never get lost and I don’t have to keep holding hands all the time and its comfortable to wear. Big kids and little kids should wear a harness because you are never too old to be kept safe. And I love the colours.
– Tyler, Australia, Age 9, http://www.childharness.ca/testimonials.html
There are important guidelines to follow when using a toddler harness:
1. The whole idea is to give your child the freedom to explore on his or her own terms, so try to follow at his or her pace and guide your child with your words (“Time to go this way! Come on!”). Your child is not a puppy, and the harness is not an choke-chain, so do not jerk him or her back to you.
2. If you aren’t holding the harness, tuck it firmly out of the way, and take it off completely if your child is playing on something like a climber or slide where it could become a strangulation hazard.
3. When it comes to wrist straps, just don’t: If you can manage to get them tight enough to stay on, they’re just a broken wrist waiting to happen.
4. And of course, make sure that you come prepared with pithy rejoinders for those inevitable judgments, such as,
“Well, the breeder suggested that we try this first, but if his behaviour doesn’t improve soon, it’s off to obedience school!”
“Dear God! You’re right! This isn’t my dachshund Olympus – it’s my neighbour’s kid! I can’t believe I did it AGAIN!”
Or the classic, “You know what they say about people in glass houses.”
As Nadine Silverthorne points out, it is our job as parents to teach our children “the rules,” including the expectation that when we say “Freeze,” they will. I say that even more importantly, it is our job to know our own children and to keep them safe whether they are listening or not. The call-and-response method that she describes is an excellent training tool, but at the toddler age it is simply not foolproof. There is always potential for distraction, and the use of a toddler leash can ensure that a moment’s impulsiveness doesn’t turn into a life-altering tragedy.
~ karyn (aka that horrible, lazy, toddler-leash-using mom everybody love to judge!)
They all seem to be aiming old when they talk about two year olds on leash… I think of them as optimal for 12-18M, where the parent is more likely to hurt the child by grabbing for their arm as they’re stumbling or running.
I went up to about 2.5 with Ben, but definitely used it less frequently after 2. Then I had Molly in the stroller and went to a “stroller handle” – a leash tied to the stroller that Ben held onto for crossing the street. He called it his “special handle” and loved it.
Before the days of leashes, my husband would tie a short piece of soft rope to his ankle and the kids ankle and then they would both lie down in the yard and have a nap. He never had to worry that our toddler would wander off before my husband woke up.
I’m pretty sure overalls were invented as a toddler safety handle too.
My Mom says she carried us out of the grocery store mid-tantrum by the overall straps more than once…
She also had to bring a piece of rope to tie my brother to the shopping cart seat.
My grandmother used to tie my uncle to the tree in the front yard. While I’ve never tied my kids to a tree (although keeping my options open on that) I have used a toddler leash which we call the ‘monkey pack’ because the harness is a monkey and the leash is the tail. It was a huge help while in a busy airport and at the mall.
I completely agree with you, I couldn’t use a leash with my son because he would flat out refuse to wear it, but my daughter loved it because she was able to roam around, and I loved it because that girl doesn’t fear anything so at least I knew I could keep her safe 😉 Shared on Twitter for ya 🙂
Even though my kids are well past the leash stage (they’re 12 and 17….although on second thought I’m thinking it might be a good idea for the 17 year old) and weren’t the type to run from us when they were toddlers, you better believe I had one at the ready! I remember at Disneyworld we tethered our then three year old’s wrist to mine with matching bracelets and some sort of ribbon.
Anyway, I’ve always been firmly in the camp of “Don’t judge unless you’ve walked a mile (or ten) in the other parents’ shoes.”
Sharing this on Twitter from Honest Voices!
My parents had a leash for me (and for good reason), and I have one ready for my one year old. We got the backpack with the leash that clips on. She loves her backpack, because she knows it means a walk and it has HER stuff inside. We live in a really small town so I haven’t had to use the leash yet, but it’s ready for when we go to the city and she already likes the harness part. Hopefully the plan works!
Good luck with it! Be prepared for the hairy eyeball from other moms, but know that you’re doing what works for YOUR family!